Live the Life You Imagine

Sadly, this will be the final blog post of my UAE experience. It has finally come to a close. It feels like ages ago that I first stepped out onto my 18th floor balcony in Sharjah, so thrilled by the city lights, ready for a fresh experience. It hasn't fully hit me yet that I've just said goodbye to everyone I've known for two years, and some of them I may never see again. There were tears, and there will be heartbreak, but I would never wish it didn't happen. It has become a part of me, of us all. It's interesting to see which goodbyes make you sadder than others.It's sometimes those you wouldn't expect. I was so touched by many of the kind words said by others about our time together, and tears came to my eyes as I hugged tightly to those I've made a connection with, however small. We're still all humans, in the same boat, trying for the same things. And we had the privilege to meet each other on our journeys. How lucky we were! In our school, we have cleaners that stand by the bathrooms and keep them neat and tidy. There were two ladies, one from India and one from Nepal, Beena and Mona, who were special to me. They always had a smile on their faces and a kind word or a laugh. I desperately wanted to give them a gift because they don't earn very much money. Our school puts up a collection for them at the end of every semester so that each cleaner can get some extra money, but I wanted to do something extra for these two ladies. Unfortunately, our last day of school was cancelled, so I didn't get the chance to do it, but on the day before the last, I found on my desk a roughly written note saying, "Dear Miss, u not here, u friend. miss you." Next to the note was a bag, and in it was a gift. I received a gift from Mona, a woman who makes less than a 1/4 of my salary. This sweet person found the time and the money to give me a gift, someone who just shared a few smiles and laughs with her from time to time. How amazing is that? Life can be surprising. Never underestimate it.

After two long years in the sand, I wait in the Heathrow airport, trying to come to terms with all that's happened. It's almost as if it was a dream. Whenever I return home, the memories of the UAE seem to fade away as if they never existed. Friends and family are as they always were, and after a while, it's as if I never even left.

I was watching TV recently and learned that there has been a scientific study to show that crossing a threshold makes you forget. For example, you leave your keys in another room, and you cross the threshold of the doorway to collect them but forget why you've entered that room in the first place. It feels a little bit like that. The incredible distance and the amount of miles are like my threshold that puts a veil between my previous life in the US and my life in the UAE. Sometimes it puts a veil between my old self and who I am now. It's easy to return back to your old self, but then you cheat people out of the chance to see your "Big Reveal." Now, let me explain this. The "Big Reveal" is when you return back to a place that you haven't been for a long time, and you want people to see your best self. You want to show them how thin and healthy you are, how super cool and interesting you are, and how much more grown up you are. It's a lot of pressure, but it's something my friends and I in Sharjah laugh about and try for. If we're out sunbathing together, we'll say, "Just preparing for the big reveal!" Or if we choose carrots instead of cake, it's, "Gotta get ready for the big reveal!"
Unfortunately, it never pans out as you hoped, and your family and friends never truly see who you've become, but it's worth a shot. At least you know within yourself.

I've left the UAE many times, either to come back home for a bit or to travel somewhere else, but it's not clicking that I'm not going back this time. Now comes the time that I've been secretly dreading. It'll be where I return home, and everyone will be excited and interested for a while, but then it's like, "What next?" or "It's time to figure yourself out." "You need to get a job." Yes. Of course. This is an obvious statement, so it's not necessary to say. But, how could I ever choose anything that would be as exciting or dramatic as what I've just done? How can I keep up with myself and this path of life I've started? It can't end. If I never travel again or never find something I enjoy and that stimulates me, I'll just rot from the inside out. I know it, and that scares me. I always think of this quote from Lord of the Rings where Eowyn tells Aragorn she fears neither death nor pain, and he asks her what she does fear. She says, "A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire." Ever since I was a kid, I've resonated with these words. I believe this is my greatest fear- to come to the end and have nothing to show for it or say for myself.
It is now that I will have another turning point in my life.

I feel all of this potential swirling inside of me and something like fire in the palms of my hands, ready to burst in any direction. Secretly, it excites me, and I enjoy the mystery of it all. But I'm also filled with fear, looking down, hoping my hands aren't getting burned. I've always been a walking contradiction. I like black and white, but I'm constantly living in gray. I want answers, yet I enjoy the mystery of the future, feeling the warmth and excitement of what could be.

I don't know if it's God, or luck, or fate, but I was recently reminded of the strength I have within myself. I was surrounded by some good friends who saw me in a light I've never seen myself in before: as someone who could do anything she wanted to, as someone with power and potential. I don't have to go home to just atrophy and return to nothingness. I can do something--anything! And it might not fit into others' ideas of what I should do, but if living away has taught me one thing, it's this: everyone else worries about themselves, so why shouldn't you? Stop worrying about what everyone else is going to think and do what makes you happy and what fulfills you. That's what I want. I want the space to decide freely what to do next: using my talents, helping others, gaining fresh perspectives, having new experiences, and enjoying the world! It's always so funny returning home to Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. It's as if I'm an old puzzle piece that's changed my shape so that I don't fit anymore. I'm not the same, and I feel like a stranger sometimes to my old places. I can't unsee what I've seen, undo what I've done, or unexperience what I've gone through. I'm changed, and thank God for it. I wouldn't trade this gift for the world.

So, I know this quote may be cheesy, and I've read it a hundred times, but just a few days ago I saw it again, and it struck something in me. It gave me comfort. "Live the life you imagine." It doesn't say, "Live the life your parents tell you to live." or "Live the life your friends expect." No. "Live the life YOU imagine!" How liberating and encouraging! It's what I needed to hear at just the right time.
I hope it can be encouraging to you all as well. Hey, I'm all for pessimism and being jaded and pretending you had a hard life (as my mother would say), but you can't shy away from the truth of your desires! Do what fulfills you and fills your heart with joy, and you will change the world.

Thank you for your constant support and encouragement during my time across the water!

How to Love and The Travel Anklet

Ever since I was a kid, I was always worried that I was kind of heartless, like I had no emotion. I'm not sure what made me think this, but it's bothered me to this day. I think because I've seen other people get so emotionally attached to things and people, and I didn't understand that. A pet would die, and it would crush them. They would talk to their parents everyday on the phone, or a distant relative was having a wedding, and they were DESPERATE to get to it. My friends would get into a relationship with someone, and they would need to spend all of their time with them. I didn't get it, and I looked inside myself and thought, "Hmm...perhaps I'm just cold and have no heart." I didn't feel things to the extent that everyone else seemed to feel them. I was concerned that I'd never be able to love something or someone to the amount that I "should". To me, love is a scary emotion. As a worrywart by  nature, I don't need something extra to worry about. If I love something, and it goes away, won't I be crushed forever and unable to recover? That was what I feared and do fear.
But, I didn't really find my heart until a bunch of crazy heads helped me discover it. (52 total crazy heads to be exact).

The teacher has now become the student to 27 insane individuals. I came to the realization while I was on my trip in Nepal talking to someone about my job. I felt warm inside and just couldn't shut up about those kids. They have literally driven me to the edge of insanity, and they have made me understand the importance of finding inner peace, yet I would give anything and do anything to help them and support them. I believe I've mentioned before that my class is known around school as the "bad" class of year 3. It's actually the worst combination possible. We had to get rid of one of them and move him to another class. But, I realized quite late in the year, that they're MY crazy and MY wild. And, the other student was moved before I realized this. If it was now, I wouldn't want to part with any one of them. My first year of teaching was similar, but this year I truly felt like I've come into my own as a person, and these young bucks have really helped me on my journey.
We have battled together for 9 months and have now come out on the other end, understanding each other a bit better and surviving. I will never forget this class and what they've meant to me. It's the best when you can truly say that you love the "worst" kid in your class, and you would go to bat for him if he needed it. That's when I knew that yes, I have finally at least begun to understand what love truly is: the giving of yourself for someone else, understanding the true intrinsic value of a PERSON, as opposed to the sum total of their gifts or accomplishments. I have just been amazed to see my students come out of their shells, and we just have a blast now. They have made me better, and for that, I am forever grateful to them. It will be a bittersweet goodbye. Hopefully we leave each other a little something to carry into the rest of our lives.

And the rest of our lives is something that's been on my mind of late. Obviously, that's because I am making a huge change and heading back to America after 2 years overseas. I thought this is what I wanted. I originally thought, "I'll go home and do the settle down thing and be perfect girl at last." But, now I'm not so sure. I do want to go home and spend time with friends and fam and get back into American life in some way. But, living over here has changed me, and I can't ever go back to what I once was. What will I end up doing in the end? I ask myself. I feel like my whole life I've been waiting for an adventure to start, like where I ride on dragons and save the day by the blade of my sword! But....It's not quite been panning out that way. As my time of departure approaches, I do get a bit nervous because I feel like now, there will be pressure to actually discover what I'm supposed to be doing and to start doing it! But, I see life as a mixture of events and adventures, and it's a little bit exciting to not know what will happen next. But I also don't want to end up on my death bed being like, "Well, I kind of messed that one up." The universe must have known that I needed some encouragement because one of my coworkers, who I have spoken to multiple times about this kind of thing, pulled me into her office one day. She's a bit older than me, and she's really great to work with. She pulled a silver anklet out of a lovely handmade bag. She said, "I just found these the other day. They're part of a set of two, and I got them on my wedding day. And, I don't know why, but I thought of you, and I want you to have it. I just feel like you're going to travel and do something good with your life, and when you do, you just let me know." I was so incredibly touched by this simple act. Someone believed in me, and someone thought something of me and my life. How amazing is that?? I accepted the gift with a grateful heart, and said to her, "Oh my god, I don't have a clue what I'm going to do." She replied, "I like people that don't have a clue. Because I feel stuck in doing the same thing." I was uplifted by this conversation, and I have something as a tangible reminder to enjoy my life and to believe in my ability to do something good with it.

Namaste (The Spirit that lives in me, greets the Spirit that lives in you)

So, I went on an epic journey across the Arabian Sea to the land of everlasting beauty and peace: Nepal! For some reason, ever since Mr. Campbell's 7th grade geography class, I've wanted to see the place where Mount Everest lives.

Unfortunately, for my friend Charlotte and I, Mount Everest resides in the far northeast of Nepal, and the places where we wanted to go were in the southwest. Nepal is actually much bigger than expected. So, Mount Everest wasn't seen, but we saw plenty of other snow-capped mountains.

This past year, I've sort of gotten into the genre of yoga, healthy eating, inner peace, and loving yourself before you can love the world, etc. It sounds wayyy hokey, but I've found a lot of truth in it. This is my more current reason for wanting to go to Nepal. I needed a break from the UAE lifestyle, and I sought peace. I wanted to go to a meditation retreat for most of the time, but then life got in the way, as usual.

My friend Charlotte decided to join me, so I decided we'll do a little sightseeing first, and then we'll do a shorter med retreat, which included yoga, healthy eating, and meditation of course. Our first stop was Kathmandu, only place where you can fly into. Cramped, dirty, smelly, was the title of our airplane journey. I sat next to a Nepalese man who was bald with a moustache and wore fake underarmour tattoo sleeves. He smelled like a headache, and he showed me pictures from his scrapbook. Fabulous. Three and a half hours later, we arrived and the airport was our first introduction to Nepal life. Armed with our rupees, we went to the desk to buy a visa, only finding out we actually needed US dollars to pay for it. So much for loving your own country, Nepal. But, living in this area of the world, you're used to hiccups. Many of them. Perhaps happening more than once in a day, or once in an hour. We came to the hotel and proceeded to spend two days in Kathmandu, hanging out and going out. Our hotel loved us so much, that the restaurant used to call us in the evening to come up for dinner. That's when we had to give it to them straight and say, "Sorry guys, but we've got super cool plans." Kathmandu on a night out is interesting. Charlotte and I just looked up some good places in trip advisor and headed out to the very narrow and busy streets of Thamel, the cool/hip area of Kathmandu. There were loads of westerners: mostly lots of older people and young couples. So, unfortunately, the most we mingled was with awkward Nepalese men who did not possess the understanding of personal space or being "good times". I hate introducing myself as an American and then having non-Westerners tell me, "Oh, I've been there." Trying to impress the American. Come on, many people have. It's a huge place. It makes me feel guilty because I've never been to Las Vegas, or San Francisco, or the Grand Canyon, and they gasp in shock. "I live with the Amish people, folks. It's way cooler." In Nepal, they sell some local beer. Choices are Tuborg, Ghata, and Everest. I have tried all three and have come to the conclusion that Tuborg was my favorite. Unfortunately, all of these beers come in mega bottles. So there's no, let's have a quick drink at this bar and then move on. You're stuck there, sucking down your 650 mil beer. Makes your eyes go crossed after about two at that altitude. Nepal lesson one--learned. In Kathmandu, there were a few cool sites, such as one of the holiest, or maybe the holiest Hindu temple, which we weren't allowed to fully enter, but we could see a religious dance going on, and we sort of came upon corpses burning down by the river. It was a little bit scarring, especially since other people were just milling about, seeing it as a normal occurrence. We also went to a place called the Dream Garden. It's in this inner courtyard, with coy ponds, green landscape, beautiful trees and flowers and stone steps. We sat in silence and enjoyed it, and then had an amazing lunch within the garden because we didn't want to leave.

After Kathmandu, we headed to our safari in Chitwan, 8 HOURS AWAY IN A SWEATY BUMPY BUS. I kept thinking, "Wow, my mother would hateeee this." Nepal is mountainous, so as you're driving, you're on the edge of cliff, going around big turns and looking downwards at your potential doom. It was gorgeous though, really. Green and huge and the sunlight hitting all of the edges and corners was just a sight for sore eyes after miles of dust and the color tan I see in Sharjah everyday. The safari turned out to be my favorite part. We were put in a group with four other people, and we stayed in this nice safari-like hotel within a little village. It was out in the middle of nowhere. We went on a walking tour of the village where locals were living in huts, working on the rice fields, or riding in a wagon pulled by cattle. It was amazing and earthy and real. We really clicked with our safari group, and hung out with them in the evenings. The hotel provided us with each meal and even had a mini bar for those late nights. During our stay in Chitwan, we had a peaceful smooth canoe ride, a jungle walk, a visit to the elephant breeding center, and an elephant safari, It was brilliant. The canoe ride was my favorite because we went at about 6:30 in the morning, and the water was so smooth. The canoe (made out of a hollowed out tree trunk) just glided through easily, bringing us past the edge of the verdure of the jungle, and all we heard was the rippling of water and the singing of exotic birds. On our last evening, we went to a cultural dance of the Tharu people, who are the native people to Chitwan. Every moment was enjoyed, and I was happy we made the choice to come there. Some of our safari friends were heading to our next destination too, and we actually rode on the NEXT 8 hour bus with them to Pokhara, the land of the lake :).

Pokhara was a little more lively and beautiful in a different way. While Chitwan was a bit more rustic and down in the dirt, Pokhara had more of a nightlife scene, with a lot of young adventurers/hippies living there long term. Charlotte and I arrived, and this was where we'd planned to head to the meditation center. But again, life got in the way. Apparently, some strikes were going on in Nepal, and they'd shut down public transportation. Our tourist bus had to be clearly marked TOURISTS, so that rioters didn't throw stones at us. (I think I need to stop traveling in South Asia). So, thank God for wifi and iphones. I was able to quickly book a hotel on the bus before we got out, because the only drivers available were hotel cars come to pick up their guests. Our safari friends headed to their place, and their driver came back for us. We stayed in a lovely hotel where we could walk to everything, and we had an amazing time. Not quite the meditation retreat, but it worked out possibly even better than expected. Charlotte and I walked along the lake, went out for dinner, and met up with our safari friends for drinks. The next day we took a canoe across the lake and went on a beautiful uphill hike to a peace pagoda. It was perfect weather, and it was a long hike but worth it for the view. A lake surrounded by green mountains with snow-capped ones in the background--geez, it was like a magazine. Pictures can never capture what you feel in the moment of seeing something like this. I sought peace, and nature brings me that peace. What a warm, beautiful feeling you get from such an awe-inspiring view. That's why I love traveling. I take mental pictures, and then I can flip through them whenever I like. What an unfading gem to possess. After that, it was pretty much all DOWNHILL from there (get it?) Oh, I am my father's daughter.

In the evening, Charlotte was feeling ill, so she went home, and I drank a lovely tea on the balcony of a restaurant with live music and read my $1.50 German book. There were loadsss of German people there, so I had my chance to practice up a bit. There were also great book shops, so finding a German book wasn't too difficult. And of course, I bought a few spiritual type books as well.
On our last day in Pokhara, Charlotte didn't feel well, so I went on my own and dropped into a cheap yoga and meditation class. It was lovely. 75 minutes of relaxing yoga with a great instructor, and at the end we had a 5 minute meditation session. This is what I needed; this is what I had come for. I wanted to connect with myself from within and bring myself back to peace and enjoy the solace I so craved. The yoga teacher brought up something interesting. She played music during the session because she said, "We don't live in a quiet world, so why should we create an artificial environment. We need to learn to have peace amidst the chaos." Later, I bumped into one of our safari friends, and their friend was sick too, so we hung out together for the rest of the day and had dinner. I got to see the lights against the lake at night, and that was the perfect farewell evening to breathtaking Pokhara. I didn't get to ride on the back of a moped, but that's ok.

Our final 8 hour bus trip=death. We headed back to Kathmandu. The public bathroom situation in Nepal is not a good one. So, be thankful every time you get to go to the bathroom in a place that doesn't have piles of "emissions" and flies surrounding the area. Out here, I've seen too many places where you just know a disease is lurking in the shadows looking at you. As a hypochondriac, I can't deal. Back to Kathmandu for us. We went back to the same hotel and were still called up for dinner at the hotel restaurant. This time, we went. We ran into their open arms, happy to be out of a sweaty dirty bus that rumbled excessively over the stones and got stuck in traffic. It made us want to end our lives and be done with it.
Our last night in Nepal was spent like two old folks, reading our purchased books in bed and going to sleep early. Another sweaty, smelly plane for us the next day! Yum...

So, Nepal didn't turn out as I'd hoped, but I think it was a little bit better. I enjoyed my time, I saw tons of amazing things, and despite everything...peace? Found loads. :)

Namaste

The Sand is Always Tanner and Freddy the Plant

Forgive my lengthy delay in writing a new post. Christmas was busy, and getting back into the swing of things has been quite an adjustment. But, it's official; it's been about 3 weeks since I've been back, and I'm no longer allowed to blame my laziness on jetlag or not being used to routine. :).

Over break, I realized that perhaps where I'm living is actually pretty cool. I found myself complaining to a bunch of US current residents in the middle of winter about how sometimes you get sick of the sun, and you just wish for a cloud in the sky or a rainy day. They scoffed at such ridiculousness, and I thought that, perhaps, the sand is always tanner on the other side. I did go to the beach the other day, and a tan in February is actually quite nice. But then, I find myself having a crush on my middle aged Al Mastabah restaurant man at the bottom of our building who I order wraps from. His name is Mostafa. That's when I know that things are getting bad out here.

It actually wasn't as difficult to come back as I expected. It was nice to see friends and to see the kids again (surprisingly). But...I spoke too soon. Last week we had the longest week of our lives. There was parents' meeting day which is an entire day lasting from 8 until 5. We meet with parents and blah blah blahed our faces off. Then, it was the class picture day where 85 percent of my students did not wear their regular school uniform because it was PE day, so I had to frantically retrieve 13 white uniform shirts that they could put on. They are year 3 students and they had to wear year 9 shirts, some of them. Utter disaster. That's when I slowly started to break down. Frenzy and Frazzle have become my middle names. After that, it was the Year 3 concert on Thursday, which we'd been preparing for since we returned. At our school, because it's high caliber (sarcasm), the teachers write the script and direct the play entirely. So, we have to use our teaching time to do so. The dance and music teacher prepare the songs and dances and help A LOT. So, our show this year was written by yours truly (I should start a new career), and it was about the seasons. Despite my concerns and my frenzied behavior on the day of the show, it went rather well. My students were rain because there are five classes and only five seasons. Their dance was to the Glee mashup of Rihanna's Umbrella song and Singin' in the Rain. It was awesome! I was so proud of them. Despite the fact that they make me want to go to an early grave, they actually mean so much to me that I almost cried when the music accidentally started without them being on stage yet! I so wanted them to enjoy their dance because they were excited about it! How much of a sap am I?! I'm turning into an old lady.
My roommate spent about a half hour in my room helping the kids with their costumes and makeup on the day of the concert, and when we were at home later, she told me, "Keri, I am so sorry. I could barely spend that half hour with your kids. How do you spend all day with them? As individuals, they're fine, but all together...no." THANK YOU! FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!! I'M NOT MENTAL! My students are enough to drive you to the madhouse. I was doing fine, but then with all of last week's stress, I'd just had enough. I bet they're tired of hearing my loud, yelling voice, and I worry about getting a saggy, wrinkly neck prematurely because I'm talking to them so much. Good grief.

So, we are doing a plants unit in science right now. We have our own seeds up on the window growing in plastic bags with paper towels. It's so nice to see how excited they get about something so little! I decided this year that I would buy a class plant from the grocery store. It's one of those generic green plants you can get anywhere. I don't actually know what it is. So, anyway, I arrived with the plant, and it was this big deal. I told them they could name him. The night before, I was lying in bed and feeling in my heart of hearts that, "Hmm... I don't know, but I think the kids will name him Freddy." Random thought, right? So, we proceed to create a list of names. My class thinks of the most strangely "normal" names like Steve and John and Cameron. Spike and Fluffy were also suggested. Weird. And, in a very strange yet dreamlike turn of events, Freddy was put forward!! And Freddy won! I told them about my feeling from the night before. "Guys, this is crazy, but I knew you would name him Freddy!" So, that is what life has been like in 3B at SIA. (Sharjah International Academy).

In other news, back to the grind of brunches, dance parties, and late nights out. I'm getting to that point where I get tired earlier than I used to, and so during the week, I'm very intense about my bed time. How sad. I should just stay home and do crossword puzzles forever, maybe. Looking forward to upcoming events such as a possible trip to Jordan to see Petra; a visit from my father and sister and bro-in law, and a spring break trip hopefully to Nepal! 5 more months left of this, people. Then, I'm back to the US.

Strangely enough, 7 people are leaving their contracts early or have left. SEVEN! That means that the school is so horrible, that people literally cannot stand to be there any longer then they have to. It seems to be a weekly occurrence where someone says, "Hey, we've got a runner!" A runner is defined as someone who leaves the school but does it suddenly, under the cover of night. We've just been told about one that left a week ago under the guise of a family member's death. Come on, that's terrible. And the others just hate it so much, they had to leave. So, the school may be literally falling apart from the inside out. All I can do is keep going with my mental case class and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all!! They are a fun bunch and as my friend the music teacher says, "Your kids are actually going to grow up to be really cool people. They're just in that terrible annoying stage right now." So, that's what's keeping me going. :). I've also purchased what I call a COMPLAINT JAR. On it is a picture of a cartoon face that is the same face that I make when students come to complain to me about their baby problems or walk up to me in the middle of class instead of raising their hand. So, students write their complaints and stuff them in the jar. The brilliant part is, is that I am unable to open the jar. It's actually a sealed tin. But, the kids don't know that. Mwahaha. Is that the definition of a bureaucratic government? Not sure. My roommate called me a Fascist Leader. Ah well, at least I am finally free of the world of "he pushed me and he said this and he won't let me play." I can sigh in relief. At least for now. One day, they'll find out I can't open the jar. Then, what shall I do? 

Off to bed now! I'll blog again sooner than the last time I hope.