I wish I could just send an email to God, you know? Like, hey, what's up? I REALLY need to know if the Loch Ness monster is real, and could you also give me some insight into what I'm supposed to do with my life? Great, thanks. P.S. Sorry if I've been botching it up so far. -Keri
See? How easy would that be? Then, he'd respond and all of our questions could be answered.
I'm such a contradictory person. I love poetry and the whole abstractness of it, yet I crave black and white. Answers. Directions. Plans. I just want to do the right thing. For some reason, doing the wrong thing absolutely horrifies me. Where did I pick up this perfectionist disease?? It ruins everything, and it's like the most impossible disease to have.
I always joke with my sisters about having picked up the worst traits to have. Yeah, everyone has things to work on, and I always feel like mine are the hardest things. I struggle with not shoving 100 oreos into my mouth everyday, and my sister wishes she read more. I feel like I'm afraid of the future and worry about everything. My one friend says her biggest flaw is that her gum is a little lower on one of her front teeth. See the difference? :/ These things aren't comparable. I feel like I'm lost in a sea of people, of everything, and if I'm never going to be perfect at anything, how am I enough? How will I be valued? My sister mentioned that she thinks that maybe God is more interested in the good of mankind as a whole as opposed to caring for the individuals. That sounds about right to me. But, then, what's the purpose of one flawed, oreo-shoving person? Who knows. Add it to the list of things we'll never know...like...if the Loch Ness monster is real or if I was meant to do something other than what I'm doing, or whether God is what our cliché Christian education taught us he was, etc. (This Loch Ness thing really bugs me).
I have been teaching my class about Thanksgiving recently. One of the Higher Ability spelling words was grateful, and we've been discussing the suffix -ful etc. It was difficult to explain what the word thankful/grateful meant to kids whose first language is not English. We watched a video on how to draw a turkey and we made a list of things we're grateful for. They came up with some wonderful things. One student said they were grateful for their life! One said they were grateful for Ms. Keri (yesssss, score.) One said they were grateful that they had friends to play with. After listening to these things, I made my own short list for them to see. And I had a sentimental moment, and explained how if we woke up every day and thought of what we were grateful for, we wouldn't focus so much on the things we DON'T have. We also discussed the suffix -less. I said some people are jobless, homeless, or friendless. I am thankful to have a job, and a home, and friends!
I have been privileged to see the world. Heading to India next week. What a gift that is! I have also become someone entirely different than what I expected. ( a blessing in disguise) I get the chance to be with my family and friends for Christmas. What incredible things to be grateful for! Yes, there's so much I want, so much I expect, so much I worry about not having, but I have been given so much, and have done so much that I sometimes forget! This Thursday, I plan on being a big ol' grateful turkey over here in the sandpit. And maybe have an oreo or two...or 100.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Thursday, November 6, 2014
"Just" Living it up
Forgive the depressing feeling I left in my last blog post. It was a moment in time, and it needed to be shared. Yes, I do miss my friends and my family, but when I go home to visit, it is always the same with them, so that is one comfort.
I've just been reading a book that claims that moods/anxiety/depression is all a matter of brain chemistry and your body not getting enough of the essential nutrients it needs because the RDA is actually too low. So, that's also comforting in a way. Just need to find my essential nutrients, and I'll feel better! haha
Anyway, life is going on. Who wants to spend their 25th year of life on worrying about the small things and only looking forward to the future? Every day brings its own small treasures, and over time I've realized the vast amount of important things that I've learned. I had my parents day, and it made me so glad to hear parents saying, "Oh, my child loves you, and we are happy with you, and we appreciate all of your efforts." That definitely makes it all worth it. Even if the school doesn't give you the recognition or even enough money, just to know that you are making a difference is incredibly relieving and satisfying! One mother even said, "Teaching is the one profession that I admire above all of the others. I don't know why you guys choose it. I don't know how you guys do it!" And I was standing there, smiling, being like, "Yeah, it's a little crazy", while inside I'm trying desperately to hold on to my sanity.
Teaching can be incredibly frustrating where there are tears in your eyes because one of your kids is telling you that "blue" rhymes with "sky". And you have no idea how to correct him. This is the same child who writes "sister" as "ster". Then when you ask him what rhymes with "school", because you're helping him write rhyming words, your higher student across the room dances and says "school, cool!" Then you flip out. I had to leave the room for a minute to calm down because I think everything was coming to a head and getting all frustrating. I'm happy parents are happy, but I still have to deal with their wild children all day!
The weekends are my salvation as you know. We are all slowly going broke because we're trying to save, trying to pay off bills in all directions, trying to eat well, and trying to have fun at the same time (the most important part :)) But each weekend is always something new and exciting! A brunch here, a birthday party there, and beach days and bars/nightclubs interspersed throughout. Maybe even a hop over to another country. Who knows? I actually went to a 20's themed bar at the Ritz Carlton with a friend for drinks on the bar's Tuesday jazz night. I felt like I was Daisy in The Great Gatsby. Dream.
My sister and I shared the same feeling that we miss America because of it's efficiency and natural beauty and the feeling of home it gives us. In school, we were learning about the seasons, so I bragged about Pennsylvania, and was like, "Well in MY country, all four of the seasons are very DISTINCT." That's right-I bragged about winter being cold and summer being hot and all the rest of 'em. They were amazed. Wowww, what's snow like? It was fun. So, I do miss America. I mentioned this to an old college friend who lives in Malaysia. I said I'd be going home after I finished my contract. He was like, "Oh, so you're JUST going to live in Lancaster and teach?"
Thanks, pal. Thanks. My fears of becoming a decrepit old woman living in her hometown and dying next to her fish tanks and litter boxes and spinning wheel are coming back to me. English is not his first language, so maybe he doesn't understand the meaning of the four-letter word "just". It could crush a soul! Make people do things they don't want to do! Don't worry, I corrected him then and there to say that "No, for heaven's sake, I would not be returning to JUST live in my hometown and teach. I don't really have any intention to teach for the rest of my life, and Lancaster's great, but I want to try somewhere new." So take that. I refuse to JUST do anything. JUST be depressed. JUST stop trying. JUST keep a job because it's a job. JUST live at home with my parents. JUST say yes because you're afraid. No no no. I'm too busy for JUST. I'm too hopeful for a good satisfying life for JUST. And gotta go, because right now, I'm JUST living it up.
I've just been reading a book that claims that moods/anxiety/depression is all a matter of brain chemistry and your body not getting enough of the essential nutrients it needs because the RDA is actually too low. So, that's also comforting in a way. Just need to find my essential nutrients, and I'll feel better! haha
Anyway, life is going on. Who wants to spend their 25th year of life on worrying about the small things and only looking forward to the future? Every day brings its own small treasures, and over time I've realized the vast amount of important things that I've learned. I had my parents day, and it made me so glad to hear parents saying, "Oh, my child loves you, and we are happy with you, and we appreciate all of your efforts." That definitely makes it all worth it. Even if the school doesn't give you the recognition or even enough money, just to know that you are making a difference is incredibly relieving and satisfying! One mother even said, "Teaching is the one profession that I admire above all of the others. I don't know why you guys choose it. I don't know how you guys do it!" And I was standing there, smiling, being like, "Yeah, it's a little crazy", while inside I'm trying desperately to hold on to my sanity.
Teaching can be incredibly frustrating where there are tears in your eyes because one of your kids is telling you that "blue" rhymes with "sky". And you have no idea how to correct him. This is the same child who writes "sister" as "ster". Then when you ask him what rhymes with "school", because you're helping him write rhyming words, your higher student across the room dances and says "school, cool!" Then you flip out. I had to leave the room for a minute to calm down because I think everything was coming to a head and getting all frustrating. I'm happy parents are happy, but I still have to deal with their wild children all day!
The weekends are my salvation as you know. We are all slowly going broke because we're trying to save, trying to pay off bills in all directions, trying to eat well, and trying to have fun at the same time (the most important part :)) But each weekend is always something new and exciting! A brunch here, a birthday party there, and beach days and bars/nightclubs interspersed throughout. Maybe even a hop over to another country. Who knows? I actually went to a 20's themed bar at the Ritz Carlton with a friend for drinks on the bar's Tuesday jazz night. I felt like I was Daisy in The Great Gatsby. Dream.
My sister and I shared the same feeling that we miss America because of it's efficiency and natural beauty and the feeling of home it gives us. In school, we were learning about the seasons, so I bragged about Pennsylvania, and was like, "Well in MY country, all four of the seasons are very DISTINCT." That's right-I bragged about winter being cold and summer being hot and all the rest of 'em. They were amazed. Wowww, what's snow like? It was fun. So, I do miss America. I mentioned this to an old college friend who lives in Malaysia. I said I'd be going home after I finished my contract. He was like, "Oh, so you're JUST going to live in Lancaster and teach?"
Thanks, pal. Thanks. My fears of becoming a decrepit old woman living in her hometown and dying next to her fish tanks and litter boxes and spinning wheel are coming back to me. English is not his first language, so maybe he doesn't understand the meaning of the four-letter word "just". It could crush a soul! Make people do things they don't want to do! Don't worry, I corrected him then and there to say that "No, for heaven's sake, I would not be returning to JUST live in my hometown and teach. I don't really have any intention to teach for the rest of my life, and Lancaster's great, but I want to try somewhere new." So take that. I refuse to JUST do anything. JUST be depressed. JUST stop trying. JUST keep a job because it's a job. JUST live at home with my parents. JUST say yes because you're afraid. No no no. I'm too busy for JUST. I'm too hopeful for a good satisfying life for JUST. And gotta go, because right now, I'm JUST living it up.
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