Forgive the depressing feeling I left in my last blog post. It was a moment in time, and it needed to be shared. Yes, I do miss my friends and my family, but when I go home to visit, it is always the same with them, so that is one comfort.
I've just been reading a book that claims that moods/anxiety/depression is all a matter of brain chemistry and your body not getting enough of the essential nutrients it needs because the RDA is actually too low. So, that's also comforting in a way. Just need to find my essential nutrients, and I'll feel better! haha
Anyway, life is going on. Who wants to spend their 25th year of life on worrying about the small things and only looking forward to the future? Every day brings its own small treasures, and over time I've realized the vast amount of important things that I've learned. I had my parents day, and it made me so glad to hear parents saying, "Oh, my child loves you, and we are happy with you, and we appreciate all of your efforts." That definitely makes it all worth it. Even if the school doesn't give you the recognition or even enough money, just to know that you are making a difference is incredibly relieving and satisfying! One mother even said, "Teaching is the one profession that I admire above all of the others. I don't know why you guys choose it. I don't know how you guys do it!" And I was standing there, smiling, being like, "Yeah, it's a little crazy", while inside I'm trying desperately to hold on to my sanity.
Teaching can be incredibly frustrating where there are tears in your eyes because one of your kids is telling you that "blue" rhymes with "sky". And you have no idea how to correct him. This is the same child who writes "sister" as "ster". Then when you ask him what rhymes with "school", because you're helping him write rhyming words, your higher student across the room dances and says "school, cool!" Then you flip out. I had to leave the room for a minute to calm down because I think everything was coming to a head and getting all frustrating. I'm happy parents are happy, but I still have to deal with their wild children all day!
The weekends are my salvation as you know. We are all slowly going broke because we're trying to save, trying to pay off bills in all directions, trying to eat well, and trying to have fun at the same time (the most important part :)) But each weekend is always something new and exciting! A brunch here, a birthday party there, and beach days and bars/nightclubs interspersed throughout. Maybe even a hop over to another country. Who knows? I actually went to a 20's themed bar at the Ritz Carlton with a friend for drinks on the bar's Tuesday jazz night. I felt like I was Daisy in The Great Gatsby. Dream.
My sister and I shared the same feeling that we miss America because of it's efficiency and natural beauty and the feeling of home it gives us. In school, we were learning about the seasons, so I bragged about Pennsylvania, and was like, "Well in MY country, all four of the seasons are very DISTINCT." That's right-I bragged about winter being cold and summer being hot and all the rest of 'em. They were amazed. Wowww, what's snow like? It was fun. So, I do miss America. I mentioned this to an old college friend who lives in Malaysia. I said I'd be going home after I finished my contract. He was like, "Oh, so you're JUST going to live in Lancaster and teach?"
Thanks, pal. Thanks. My fears of becoming a decrepit old woman living in her hometown and dying next to her fish tanks and litter boxes and spinning wheel are coming back to me. English is not his first language, so maybe he doesn't understand the meaning of the four-letter word "just". It could crush a soul! Make people do things they don't want to do! Don't worry, I corrected him then and there to say that "No, for heaven's sake, I would not be returning to JUST live in my hometown and teach. I don't really have any intention to teach for the rest of my life, and Lancaster's great, but I want to try somewhere new." So take that. I refuse to JUST do anything. JUST be depressed. JUST stop trying. JUST keep a job because it's a job. JUST live at home with my parents. JUST say yes because you're afraid. No no no. I'm too busy for JUST. I'm too hopeful for a good satisfying life for JUST. And gotta go, because right now, I'm JUST living it up.
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