Ever since I was a kid, I was always worried that I was kind of heartless, like I had no emotion. I'm not sure what made me think this, but it's bothered me to this day. I think because I've seen other people get so emotionally attached to things and people, and I didn't understand that. A pet would die, and it would crush them. They would talk to their parents everyday on the phone, or a distant relative was having a wedding, and they were DESPERATE to get to it. My friends would get into a relationship with someone, and they would need to spend all of their time with them. I didn't get it, and I looked inside myself and thought, "Hmm...perhaps I'm just cold and have no heart." I didn't feel things to the extent that everyone else seemed to feel them. I was concerned that I'd never be able to love something or someone to the amount that I "should". To me, love is a scary emotion. As a worrywart by nature, I don't need something extra to worry about. If I love something, and it goes away, won't I be crushed forever and unable to recover? That was what I feared and do fear.
But, I didn't really find my heart until a bunch of crazy heads helped me discover it. (52 total crazy heads to be exact).
The teacher has now become the student to 27 insane individuals. I came to the realization while I was on my trip in Nepal talking to someone about my job. I felt warm inside and just couldn't shut up about those kids. They have literally driven me to the edge of insanity, and they have made me understand the importance of finding inner peace, yet I would give anything and do anything to help them and support them. I believe I've mentioned before that my class is known around school as the "bad" class of year 3. It's actually the worst combination possible. We had to get rid of one of them and move him to another class. But, I realized quite late in the year, that they're MY crazy and MY wild. And, the other student was moved before I realized this. If it was now, I wouldn't want to part with any one of them. My first year of teaching was similar, but this year I truly felt like I've come into my own as a person, and these young bucks have really helped me on my journey.
We have battled together for 9 months and have now come out on the other end, understanding each other a bit better and surviving. I will never forget this class and what they've meant to me. It's the best when you can truly say that you love the "worst" kid in your class, and you would go to bat for him if he needed it. That's when I knew that yes, I have finally at least begun to understand what love truly is: the giving of yourself for someone else, understanding the true intrinsic value of a PERSON, as opposed to the sum total of their gifts or accomplishments. I have just been amazed to see my students come out of their shells, and we just have a blast now. They have made me better, and for that, I am forever grateful to them. It will be a bittersweet goodbye. Hopefully we leave each other a little something to carry into the rest of our lives.
And the rest of our lives is something that's been on my mind of late. Obviously, that's because I am making a huge change and heading back to America after 2 years overseas. I thought this is what I wanted. I originally thought, "I'll go home and do the settle down thing and be perfect girl at last." But, now I'm not so sure. I do want to go home and spend time with friends and fam and get back into American life in some way. But, living over here has changed me, and I can't ever go back to what I once was. What will I end up doing in the end? I ask myself. I feel like my whole life I've been waiting for an adventure to start, like where I ride on dragons and save the day by the blade of my sword! But....It's not quite been panning out that way. As my time of departure approaches, I do get a bit nervous because I feel like now, there will be pressure to actually discover what I'm supposed to be doing and to start doing it! But, I see life as a mixture of events and adventures, and it's a little bit exciting to not know what will happen next. But I also don't want to end up on my death bed being like, "Well, I kind of messed that one up." The universe must have known that I needed some encouragement because one of my coworkers, who I have spoken to multiple times about this kind of thing, pulled me into her office one day. She's a bit older than me, and she's really great to work with. She pulled a silver anklet out of a lovely handmade bag. She said, "I just found these the other day. They're part of a set of two, and I got them on my wedding day. And, I don't know why, but I thought of you, and I want you to have it. I just feel like you're going to travel and do something good with your life, and when you do, you just let me know." I was so incredibly touched by this simple act. Someone believed in me, and someone thought something of me and my life. How amazing is that?? I accepted the gift with a grateful heart, and said to her, "Oh my god, I don't have a clue what I'm going to do." She replied, "I like people that don't have a clue. Because I feel stuck in doing the same thing." I was uplifted by this conversation, and I have something as a tangible reminder to enjoy my life and to believe in my ability to do something good with it.
