Sadly, this will be the final blog post of my UAE experience. It has finally come to a close. It feels like ages ago that I first stepped out onto my 18th floor balcony in Sharjah, so thrilled by the city lights, ready for a fresh experience. It hasn't fully hit me yet that I've just said goodbye to everyone I've known for two years, and some of them I may never see again. There were tears, and there will be heartbreak, but I would never wish it didn't happen. It has become a part of me, of us all. It's interesting to see which goodbyes make you sadder than others.It's sometimes those you wouldn't expect. I was so touched by many of the kind words said by others about our time together, and tears came to my eyes as I hugged tightly to those I've made a connection with, however small. We're still all humans, in the same boat, trying for the same things. And we had the privilege to meet each other on our journeys. How lucky we were! In our school, we have cleaners that stand by the bathrooms and keep them neat and tidy. There were two ladies, one from India and one from Nepal, Beena and Mona, who were special to me. They always had a smile on their faces and a kind word or a laugh. I desperately wanted to give them a gift because they don't earn very much money. Our school puts up a collection for them at the end of every semester so that each cleaner can get some extra money, but I wanted to do something extra for these two ladies. Unfortunately, our last day of school was cancelled, so I didn't get the chance to do it, but on the day before the last, I found on my desk a roughly written note saying, "Dear Miss, u not here, u friend. miss you." Next to the note was a bag, and in it was a gift. I received a gift from Mona, a woman who makes less than a 1/4 of my salary. This sweet person found the time and the money to give me a gift, someone who just shared a few smiles and laughs with her from time to time. How amazing is that? Life can be surprising. Never underestimate it.
After two long years in the sand, I wait in the Heathrow airport, trying to come to terms with all that's happened. It's almost as if it was a dream. Whenever I return home, the memories of the UAE seem to fade away as if they never existed. Friends and family are as they always were, and after a while, it's as if I never even left.
I was watching TV recently and learned that there has been a scientific study to show that crossing a threshold makes you forget. For example, you leave your keys in another room, and you cross the threshold of the doorway to collect them but forget why you've entered that room in the first place. It feels a little bit like that. The incredible distance and the amount of miles are like my threshold that puts a veil between my previous life in the US and my life in the UAE. Sometimes it puts a veil between my old self and who I am now. It's easy to return back to your old self, but then you cheat people out of the chance to see your "Big Reveal." Now, let me explain this. The "Big Reveal" is when you return back to a place that you haven't been for a long time, and you want people to see your best self. You want to show them how thin and healthy you are, how super cool and interesting you are, and how much more grown up you are. It's a lot of pressure, but it's something my friends and I in Sharjah laugh about and try for. If we're out sunbathing together, we'll say, "Just preparing for the big reveal!" Or if we choose carrots instead of cake, it's, "Gotta get ready for the big reveal!"
Unfortunately, it never pans out as you hoped, and your family and friends never truly see who you've become, but it's worth a shot. At least you know within yourself.
I've left the UAE many times, either to come back home for a bit or to travel somewhere else, but it's not clicking that I'm not going back this time. Now comes the time that I've been secretly dreading. It'll be where I return home, and everyone will be excited and interested for a while, but then it's like, "What next?" or "It's time to figure yourself out." "You need to get a job." Yes. Of course. This is an obvious statement, so it's not necessary to say. But, how could I ever choose anything that would be as exciting or dramatic as what I've just done? How can I keep up with myself and this path of life I've started? It can't end. If I never travel again or never find something I enjoy and that stimulates me, I'll just rot from the inside out. I know it, and that scares me. I always think of this quote from Lord of the Rings where Eowyn tells Aragorn she fears neither death nor pain, and he asks her what she does fear. She says, "A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire." Ever since I was a kid, I've resonated with these words. I believe this is my greatest fear- to come to the end and have nothing to show for it or say for myself.
It is now that I will have another turning point in my life.
I feel all of this potential swirling inside of me and something like fire in the palms of my hands, ready to burst in any direction. Secretly, it excites me, and I enjoy the mystery of it all. But I'm also filled with fear, looking down, hoping my hands aren't getting burned. I've always been a walking contradiction. I like black and white, but I'm constantly living in gray. I want answers, yet I enjoy the mystery of the future, feeling the warmth and excitement of what could be.
I don't know if it's God, or luck, or fate, but I was recently reminded of the strength I have within myself. I was surrounded by some good friends who saw me in a light I've never seen myself in before: as someone who could do anything she wanted to, as someone with power and potential. I don't have to go home to just atrophy and return to nothingness. I can do something--anything! And it might not fit into others' ideas of what I should do, but if living away has taught me one thing, it's this: everyone else worries about themselves, so why shouldn't you? Stop worrying about what everyone else is going to think and do what makes you happy and what fulfills you. That's what I want. I want the space to decide freely what to do next: using my talents, helping others, gaining fresh perspectives, having new experiences, and enjoying the world! It's always so funny returning home to Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. It's as if I'm an old puzzle piece that's changed my shape so that I don't fit anymore. I'm not the same, and I feel like a stranger sometimes to my old places. I can't unsee what I've seen, undo what I've done, or unexperience what I've gone through. I'm changed, and thank God for it. I wouldn't trade this gift for the world.
So, I know this quote may be cheesy, and I've read it a hundred times, but just a few days ago I saw it again, and it struck something in me. It gave me comfort. "Live the life you imagine." It doesn't say, "Live the life your parents tell you to live." or "Live the life your friends expect." No. "Live the life YOU imagine!" How liberating and encouraging! It's what I needed to hear at just the right time.
I hope it can be encouraging to you all as well. Hey, I'm all for pessimism and being jaded and pretending you had a hard life (as my mother would say), but you can't shy away from the truth of your desires! Do what fulfills you and fills your heart with joy, and you will change the world.
Thank you for your constant support and encouragement during my time across the water!
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